Building Emotional Resilience Against Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria in ADHD

Today, we're diving into a topic that resonates deeply for many, especially those who navigate life with ADHD—Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Jen Lander, unpacks the unique emotional hurdles faced by people with ADHD as they deal with heightened reactions to perceived or real rejection. Jen not only illuminates the difference between typical sensitivity and RSD but also shares personal anecdotes and practical strategies for managing these intense feelings. Join us as Jen offers invaluable insights, working towards a more fulfilling life while embracing the nuances of one's unique emotional landscape. Let’s explore the impact, manifestations, and coping mechanisms of RSD together in an episode you won't want to miss. Tune in and transform your understanding of emotional sensitivity and strength.

00:00 ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity

04:00 "Facing Criticism and Negative Feedback"

08:20 RSD, ADHD, and Online Vulnerability

12:20 Managing Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

14:55 Challenging Negative Thoughts

17:37 Explaining RSD: Engage and Support

22:31 "Embrace Change for New Comfort"

23:54 Managing RSD Through Community Support

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Transcript

0:00

Looking for a thrilling new way to snag amazing deals on your favorite health and beauty products. Then you need to check out lucky deals on the whatnot app. What not is a dynamic live shopping platform. That's revolutionizing online retail. And lucky deals brings an incredible energy to that experience. Simply download the free whatnot app onto your phone search for lucky deals and join their lively streams. You'll be able to participate in live auctions, ask questions and become a part of that vibrant community. Lucky deals offers fantastic bargains on a wide range of health and beauty items, both individually and in bundles. So you're sure to find something that you love. Plus they frequently host exciting giveaways during their shows, giving you a chance to win amazing products. Enjoy the convenience of shopping from the comfort of your home or on the go and connect with other enthusiastic shoppers in a fun and welcoming environment. Lucky deal streams most days of the week. So be sure to download the whatnot app search for and follow lucky deals and set reminders for their upcoming shows. Get ready for a fun and rewarding shopping, adventure and experience the excitement of live shopping. With lucky deals on whatnot. The link to the whatnot app will be in the show notes. Now, go get those deals If you're someone who has felt like a pretty sensitive person or someone has named you a very sensitive person, And you have either been diagnosed with ADHD or you're suspicious that you may have ADHD, then you may be experiencing something called rejection sensitive dysphoria. So this is very different than someone who is neuro-typical and is a little bit more on the sensitive side. There is a lot of neurocircuitry and neuro chemicals that are involved in this dysregulation that people with ADHD are experiencing versus the other. So I just want to dive a little bit into this topic because I think it's very important and I think it's something that we don't talk enough about. So rejection sensitive dysphoria it impacts people who have ADHD pretty significantly. So it can feel like navigating life with heightened. Often debilitating emotional reactions. So we're going to explore what RDS or RSD is, how it manifests in our daily lives. And most importantly, We're going to talk about some strategies that we can use to manage this and who doesn't love that. Right. It's an intense, almost physical, emotional response to pursue. Perceived or real rejection criticism or even disappointment. So it's a hyper reactivity. That can make even minor social interactions feel like they're major emotional and events and just create and cause a lot of pain for people who have ADHD. So for women with ADHD, this is often amplified. So we often spend years just trying to fit into that. Neuro-typical expectation dealing with social awkwardness. I'm very familiar with that. And just feeling like we're constantly falling short. That right there creates this breeding ground for RSD. Making us feel vulnerable and experience a lot of emotional pain. We can talk about some examples of where this might be showing up in your life. Um, let's say in a workplace, so. If you can kind of imagine that you D you've dedicated a lot of time to a certain project. And then let's say you're sitting. Sitting down with your boss. Boss. And then you're reviewing all of the work that you put in, and you're so passionate about this and you think it's a great idea. And then the boss gives you feedback that isn't. Well intended to be constructive, feels more like a personal attack. So the criticism is triggering the cascade of negative thoughts. Like I'm incompetent. Uh, they don't value my work. I'm going to get fired. I mean, you might become hyper-focused on that negative feedback and you're replaying it in your mind for days, weeks, maybe even months. And you're just struggling to concentrate on other tasks. It's really. Impacting your day-to-day or sometimes in maybe a team meeting you. Speak up and you have this creative idea, but it's just quickly dismissed. They move on to the next thing that often happens in meetings. So if you're someone who is struggling with RSD, This can be a big setback when I'm in situations like that. And that happens. My default tends to be, to get very quiet. So I don't really show up in a way that feels good. Sometimes I'm just like, I'm not saying anything because. Like that feeling, that emotional feeling and the emotional pain that goes along with that, like, I'm not willing to sacrifice that pain. For a perceived rejection. Um, so that's something that I have worked on and something that actually prevented me from making progress in my life. So you just start to experience this wave of intense shame and humiliation, which where you're just kind of convincing yourself that your colleagues are they're perceiving you as unintelligent and no one likes that. Right? So. You might even. Start to avoid asking for help because you're fearing that negative reaction. And then you struggle with even the simplest tasks because you're unwilling to ask for help, to try to avoid those negative emotions. Totally get it. I totally understand that. And let's. Say, um, this could be showing up in your relationship. So you could have a partner who just one night seems like they're a little preoccupied in the evening time. Like you're reaching out to them. You're not getting the response that you typically would like. So instead of asking them what's wrong, you might start to jump to conclusions. That you could be thinking like, oh my gosh, they're probably losing interest in me. They're going to leave me. Me. This can trigger intense anxiety and insecurity, which can lead to arguments, or you can emotionally withdrawal. And I have experienced both of those in relationships. Um, you could have a close friend who cancels on you last minute and even. Even with a valid explanation, you could feel personally rejected and just convinced that they don't value your friendship, or they don't want to be friends with you. And that can lead to isolation and feeling lonely in high school. I'm gonna bring you back like two decades here. So in high school, I had a situation one time where. I was getting to know someone who I, who was older than me. And I really wanted to be friends with her. And I had worked up the courage to call her and to ask if she wanted to hang out. And she was like, no, not really. And I'm like, what do you mean? Not really, like, my mind was just like, oh my gosh, he doesn't like me. This is terrible. Well, what had happened was later I found out number one, that was just like, I felt completely rejected. But I found out she was an, she got in an argument with her boyfriend, but after spending all night, It's ruminating on like these negative thoughts. The, the damage was done in my mind. Like I just created a whole scenario and all these terrible things, like all these negative thoughts. So even though she said that it's still felt terrible and what happened was it impacted me for years. Like I was not asking anyone that I just met to hang out anymore. Like I would wait for them to ask me to hang out and that's terrible when you're trying to build friendships. Right. Like that does feel really lonely. So. That was the way that that had impacted me. And then we could take it to social media. Um, So, if you are working really hard on a certain real, where you feel like, oh my gosh, like I really put a lot of time and effort into this. I feel like it's great quality. It's good content. And then you didn't get the reaction. And it was just very minimal engagement from that. Then this can trigger feelings of public rejection and that is terrible. Right. So. It just leads to those feelings of shame and self doubt. So you might start to question your worth and feel isolated in that with the online community too, and then being less likely to put yourself out there and to grow, because I mean, there's a lot of people who are. Building a personal brand online, and that requires having the courage showing up. Sacrificing those potential rejections from people. You know, and that's, that's a hard place to be in. So if you're struggling with RSD, Then that just puts you at a more vulnerable place as well. So. The intensity of RSA. RSD is believed to be stemmed from neurological differences that are associated. with ADHD. So these imbalances in neurotransmitters, specifically dopamine and norepinephrine affect our ability to regulate emotions and process those social cues. This heightened sensitivity. Can make us more vulnerable. Vulnerable to those intense reactions. In ADHD, this dysregulation of dopamine and norepinephrine, those neuro-transmitters. It's crucial for attention motivation and emotional regulation. So dopamine is involved in the reward processing and motivation and norepinephrine is influencing our alertness and our emotional responses. When we experience perceived rejection or even real rejection, our brains may not release dopamine in the same. Same way as a neuro-typical brain and this can lead to a diminish. Minish sense of reward and increased feelings of disappointment. Simultaneously the nor epinephrin system that can become over active. And this is just going to amplify that emotional pain and the triggers to the. Um, heightened stress response. This can result in the cycle of emotional reactivity where even minor social interactions can trigger that. Intense feeling of rejection and just a lot of distress. The amygdala is playing a role here too. The amygdala is the brain's emotional center. You may best know this as like the fight or flight. Area of your brain. It's often hyper active in people with ADHD. So this heightened activity. Is what can lead to that exaggerate? Moderated emotional response to the perceived threats. And this is just including that social rejection. So in RSD, the amygdala may misinterpret, neutral social cues as. As threats, and this is just going to trigger that cascade of negative emotions and it can lead. Lead to hypervigilance. Where we're just constantly scanning for signs of rejection, even if there aren't any that are present. And then the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for executive functions, like emotional regulation and our impulse control. This is oftentimes less efficient and people who do have ADHD, so this can make it difficult to regulate our emotional responses. And it inhibits impulsive reactions to those perceived read rejections. Which ends up leading to. A situation where we may struggle to control our emotional reactions to a situation. That can mean that we're experiencing. And like these angry outburst, we can feel intense sadness or anxiety in this just can further. Damage our relationships and it can reinforce negative self perceptions. And then we have the hypothalamus pituitary adrenal access, the HPA access. So this is the body's stress response system, and that can become dysregulated and people who have ADHD. So chronic stress is often caused by. The challenges of living day-to-day with ADHD and that can lead to the HPA access. Yes. Being hyperactive. So this results in increased levels of cortisol, which is the stress hormone. And this can amplify our emotional reactivity and make us just more susceptible. To the triggers that we could experience. With all of that, what the heck do we do about this? Well, I'm so glad that you asked because we can use some strategies to help us manage RSD. And really the key here is we're going to talk about some of these strategies, but really trying to figure out what works best for you out of all the ones that we talk about. So just explore and. Try different things out. But also focus on repetition too. So if you find one that feels good and feels right, then really lean into that. And the repetition is so key because you really want to strengthen the neural pathways by repetition. So. What we can do is awareness is super. Super super important. So we want to be able to number one, have the awareness that this is even going on because a lot of people are out there and they have no clue that what they're experiencing is. Rejection sensitive dysphoria. So having that. That information is super important because then you can start to make step or take the steps that you need to try to manage some of this. You can try keeping, um, a pretty detailed journal of these RSD episodes. Make sure that you're noting specific situations, thoughts, and feelings that are proceeded by them. This can help you identify the patterns and the triggers, which is huge, hugely important. And then we can start to analyze what those triggers are objectively. we can start to notice what specific behaviors or situations tend to set you off. And once you know that, Then you can begin to make those changes to your environment or your reactions to what's going on. And then what we want to do is we want to try to challenge those thoughts. Thought distortion. Torsions RSD. Often fuels. Thought distortions such as catastrophizing and black. And white thinking. I have struggled pretty significantly with black and white thinking. It's something that I have to, like I had to gain the awareness of it, because for some time I was completely unaware that I'm focusing on things as black and white, there is no gray. Here we go. So over time, just learning more about it, having that self-awareness. And applying and implementing tools and skills and all that stuff. It has helped, but sometimes I still even will default back to that way of thinking. And I have to intentionally push my way through that. We need to be able to learn and identify what our specific distortions are. And then we can begin to challenge their validity. So when you experience a negative thought, just ask yourself, is this thought based. Based on facts or. Is it an. An assumption. So what evidence do you have for that thought? Or do you have evidence that's against that thought? And think like, is there another way to interpret. What the situation is all about. So trying to reframe those negative thoughts into more neutral or even positive ones. One example is like, if you're kind of struggling with, with some of these things, so instead of thinking, they don't like me, you could try thinking they may be preoccupied or stressed. So kind of try to take yourself out of. What's happening as far as like those negative self thoughts and try to see like, is there something else going on because more times than not, it really is that they're dealing with their own stuff and they don't mean anything to you. There's no, like they're not trying to reject you in any way. It's just, they got their own stuff going on. Then we want to try to develop some communication. Strategies. Um, especially if this is showing. Going up in your relationships, like with your partner or your friends? So just try to learn how to communicate what your needs are. Assertively without becoming defensive or aggressive. This. Is very hard for me. I don't typically get like defensive with a lot of people, but it really shows up with my husband because I'm most comfortable with him. And I'm like, no. And, and also. He's a great person to have like a conversation with. He knows a lot about many things, you know? So. When this shows up to me, like I'll be having a conversation and I'll be explaining something. And then he'll question it. Like he will genuinely be curious and questioning it, but I'm like taking it internal, like a rejection. Like, do you not believe it? Like I'm smart. You know, I'm like, like how, like, why are you asking me this? Like, I get very defensive on it, which I'm because I have this awareness now I'm like, Jen. You need to chill, chill out a little bit. So I have to take a deep breath, regroup, and then engage in the conversation, but it's not. Easy. Like I, these things are, it is very hard to kind of work through, especially if your default is to become aggressive or defensive. Just taking a deep breath. And we'll talk a little bit more about that too, but just trying to regulate like your nervous system a little bit, so what can also help is trying to set clear boundaries to, to protect yourself from situations that trigger. Your RSD. So this might involve limiting contact with certain people or avoiding certain social situations. And when possible, try to explain to. To important people. In your life, what RSD is and how it's affecting you. Um, that can be really helpful for them too, because they don't know what they don't know either. You know, and if you're learning that about yourself and it's something that you're struggling with, the people who are closest to you, it w it can be a really good thing for them to understand and know that that's what's going on and you're trying to work through some of this stuff. And just the support would be wonderful. If you had that from them. So let's see what else, um, implementing some coping mechanisms. Some of the things that you can do are like, I was talking about the deep breathing exercises. Deep breathing exercises. I will go down like screaming about this because it has been the most helpful for me in all areas of my life, with my sleep anxiety, stress. Rejection sensitive dysphoria. All of the things like deep breathing exercises have been the most helpful. So you can find those on YouTube. You can just kind of do a little. Search on YouTube breathing with Sandy is one of my favorites. He has tons of them to choose from. But I would recommend doing something like that. If you're in the moment in a conversation, just taking. A inhale in four seconds, breathe out, you know, just trying to regulate yourself in that way. And then you could create an RDS or I keep saying RDS. This is like my dyslexia showing up here. But anyway, Okay. So RSD, you can create an RSD toolkit, which can have items or activities that can help you calm down and regulate your emotions. This could be your favorite playlist. I have one put together in my, in my phone, Amazon music. So I just have a whole list of music that actually makes me feel very common. I'll play that whenever I need to. I love playing music in the background. That's. A tool that's been very helpful for me. You could have a stressful or a journal. I mean, you can even make a little box and keep it. In your home, like in your room and your home, anything like that, that just has these things that you can pull out from stress balls are great for some people fidget toys. Those are great for some people. Um, but stress, balls and playlist, those are wonderful. And then deep breathing exercises are awesome. I like the deep breathing exercises because you take the breath wherever you go. Right? Like you're, you're constantly breathing. So it's something that you will always have with you. In situations, so some of the other things you might not have access to them, but you always have your breath. So that's a really positive, awesome, good thing. And then you could try to find a physical outlet too, for really intense emotions. So exercise, if you were in a place where your body is safe and you're able to engage in physical activity, this can help regulate some of your emotions too. So this could be yoga. It could be running swimming. Maybe you, maybe it's not physical activity. Maybe you want to create another creative outlet and this could be like painting or writing any other mindfulness activities or meditate. um, those things can be helpful Just like I was saying earlier, experiment with these different coping strategies and just find something that works really well for you. You could consider some sensory strategies So a weighted blanket that could be helpful. And then the music, like we were saying, and noise, canceling headphones as well. Those can be helpful for some people. I'm not like I've tried weighted blankets before that ones. That one's not the most helpful for me, but I've also worked with people. And I do know that that is a really helpful tool for them. So try it out. If you haven't before it's always worth a try. If you've never tried one of these things before. And then what I also like if you have the space for this is just to create a physical space in your home. That feels very calming. I have a space underneath our stairs in the basement. That has a nice little cozy rug in there. It has some pillows, it has a bookshelf lights. Um, I bring a candle in there and I can just lay down and relax. And that's a really common space for me. So I, and I love it. So I would definitely encourage if you have the space to create something just for yourself, where you can have. Your alone time and just kind of reregulate. So just try planning some coping mechanisms into your day so that they become a habit because any habit, any behavior that we're engaging in were we got into habits through repetition. So we're going to create new habits through repetition, and we're going to get out of habits through repetition. So repetition is super important. So the more you're doing something. The more natural, it's going to feel the more comfortable. So you might get that resistance at first, you might feel really uncomfortable because our brains like to keep us in our comfort zones, even if it's in an unhealthy place, because it's predictable, it's what we know it's familiar. So we want to try to get out of those spaces if they're unhealthy through repetition and creating new habits and behaviors. So just so you know, if you're getting some resistance to try new things, you have to push through that, push past it because it will eventually. Really become the new normal and your new comfort zone. So you got to push, push through it. So it's normal. If it feels. Uh, uncomfortable and not good. Just keep pushing through it. Cause. If it's a healthy coping mechanism, the ones that we're talking about. Keep pushing through and trying it multiple times. And, and I'm sure you'll find that it eventually becomes much more comfortable. If you're trying all the things you're doing, all the things you've used, the repetition and you're like, I still am struggling with R S D I had to say it's low. And I am still struggling with this. I don't know what to do. It might be worth talking to either a coach or a therapist. A therapist can be really helpful with like CBT cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical behavioral therapy. DBT. Those can be particularly helpful with RSD. So just explore that. Maybe it's talking with a psychiatrist, this could be a medication concern where you would want to explore and try something like that. Um, so just know that there is hopefully in your area of professional support that you can have, but trying to find that, um, if you need it, if you have been trying all the things and you're like, I need some, I need some extra support here. Totally. Totally cool. And then just trying to build a support system. So connect with other, other people who have ADHD, who understand your challenges with RSD and just sharing your experiences and the strategies that you're using. Um, just to have some validation on like what you're going through. Community support groups support can be really, really powerful. So just knowing that managing RSD is it's an ongoing process and it just requires patience and it requires some persistence. But if we're implementing these strategies and we're seeking professional support, if we need it, um, and we're just learning to navigate the emotional challenges of RSD it's just allowing us to build a more fulfilling life. So, I just want you to remember that you are a very strong person. You are so capable and you are not alone by any means. I know exactly how you feel here. So keep learning, keep growing and just embrace your unique journey and I'll see you next time. Feeling stressed, overwhelmed. Ready to finally release. What's holding you back then. You need to experience the transformative power of somatic breath. Work with Jamie Gooch. Jamie, isn't just a breathwork coach. She's a guide, a facilitator of deep healing and a true master of connecting you to your body's core sense of balance. Imagine releasing years of tension, finding profound, inner peace, and unlocking a new found sense of clarity and wellbeing. Breath work with Jamie can help you reduce your stress and anxiety release, emotional blocks, improve, sleep, and focus, deepen your self-awareness and so much more. I've personally experienced Jamie's incredible sessions and I've always left feeling lighter and more centered. She creates a safe, supportive space where you can truly let go. Whether you're local or live across the country. Jamie makes breathwork assessable. She offers both deeply immersive in-person sessions and convenient, transformative virtual sessions. So you can experience the benefits from anywhere. Don't let stress intention control your life any longer. Take control of your wellbeing with Jamie she's knowledgeable, compassionate, and ready to guide you on your journey to a calmer, more empowered. You. Jamie's contact info is linked in the show notes so that you can book your session today. She rocks and you're absolutely gonna love her Thank you so much for joining me on this episode of landing and perfect. I truly appreciate you being a part of this community and sharing this journey with me. And remember, this podcast is a personal project. It's unrelated to the full-time work I do for the company. I help treat those with eating disorders. While I aim to provide professional and educational inspirational content. It's important to understand that the podcast is not a substitute for professional treatment. So if you or someone that you know is struggling with any issues I've discussed, please consider seeking the help of a qualified healthcare professional.